my two hats

[schmerica]

This morning on AIM I was chatting with nifra_idril, and we came around to the topic of china_shop's latest story (which, if you haven't read yet, ohmygodsogoodowmyheart). And as we discussing this, I ended up mentioning to Nif that, really, usually at this point, if there was an author writing stuff I really loved on such a regular basis, I would have a two-fold reaction: the "SQUEEEEEE!," yes, but there would also be the "argh! jealousy" thing along with it.

The thing is, one of the features of participating in a fannish community like this is that when I read fic, I'm reading both as a reader and as a writer. I would say upwards of eighty to ninety percent of the time when I'm reading a story, I have both of these hats on, to some degree. There are some authors whom I read and go "ARGH OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GOOD KILL ME NOW BECAUSE I'LL NEVER WRITE ANYTHING THAT GOOD EVER," or, you know, "wow, I would kill for that line" or "how can she make plot/long stories/porn/insert-pet-problem-here look so skillful and easy" or even "dude, that's brilliant; I wish I had thought of it." It's not always jealousy, necessarily, though it often is for me -- or jealousy isn't perhaps the word; envy, perhaps, or something gentler. (The teeth-gnashing resentment of goodness is comparatively rare, I mean.) But, yes, there's generally for me, along with my general, pure reaction as a reader, also the second reaction that comes of a writer in the same community, comparing and analyzing and marking things away in my brain.

Which makes it especially interesting to me that there are stories where I don't do that. I'm not sure what it is that makes the difference -- it's not stories being better or stories being worse or what I think of the authors -- but the example I was giving to Nif this morning is one where I don't find the back of my brain going "Sigh. I wish I could write stuff that good and creative at this pace;" it's just me being completely satisfied to a be a reader. It's a strange sensation.

Also, this entire post was an excuse to put off working on my ds_seekritsanta story.

Comments

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Oh, I understand, believe me. There is much envy when I do fannish reading. Sometimes that depresses me - and sometimes it inspires me. You should know that often the waves of jealousy emanating off me come from reading your wonderful fics.

[tobyfan.livejournal.com]

I have been in all those places you describe. It's like being on a rollercoaster. *g*

[silverakira.livejournal.com]

Oh man, yeah, I can relate. And, like you said, it's weird because the reaction to each individual story is always different (for me at least); sometimes you finish a fic so completely depressed by how good it is, and then sometimes you finish a finish a fic with such an incredible high for the same reason.

Which makes it especially interesting to me that there are stories where I don't do that.

[nods] Wow, I thought it was only me, but yeah, there are certain fics that I'm just happy to read for the sake of reading and they don't trigger the envy thing, despite the fact that they are no less brilliant.

[china_shop]

*blush*

The envy thing? Oh, totally. And yeah, I don't know why it's some stories and not others, either, because there are some brilliant ones that don't make me go argh. Maybe it's the ones that ping my insecurities (as you say, plot/long stories/porn/insert-pet-problem-here) that trigger the despair that topples the self-confidence, which in turn hits the envy button... :)