schmerica: (billy tallent you dirty whore)
[personal profile] schmerica
So yesterday I was talking to [livejournal.com profile] pirateygoodness about how hard writing is, and how weird fandom is, and how maybe I should just give up and write stories just for [livejournal.com profile] fox1013. Then, out of nowhere, something Jane said put this pairing in my head. Then I got off of AIM and went into crazy writing frenzy for two thousand words or so (for the first time in six months!). When I came back up for air, I had this to show for it. Fox not only inspired but also betaed: this is dedicated to her. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

How To Be Classy, and Other Sucker's Games
by Pearl-o

RPF: Katherine Heigl/Callum Keith Rennie

Notes: Katherine Heigl, T.R. Knight and Sandra Oh are all actors on Grey's Anatomy. Callum Keith Rennie was on due South and Battlestar Galactica and a million other things, and he and Sandra Oh have worked together on a bunch of Canadian films and are good friends.

Special tinhat note: You guys, it's okay, Hugh knows that making out with hot chicks is just one of Callum's weird quirks. It doesn't mean anything!

Summary: It's 2005, and Callum is old-yet-hot, Katie has a magnificent rack, and Sandra Oh knows all.

*****

This is one of the first things Katie learned about Sandra: she always has the hook-up to the good booze.

So it's really not Katie's fault that she's been drinking a little more than she ought to at the party. Not at all. It's Sandra's fault for being such a good hostess. And maybe T.R.'s fault for obeying her every time she tells him to go refill her glass.

Katie doesn't know half the people at the party -- "I think those are Sandra's Canadian friends," she whispered to T.R. earlier and he went "Ooooooh" in an appropriately fake-impressed voice -- but she's having a good time anyway. She and T.R. have staked out the big comfy couch as their own property, curling up together, snuggling and drinking and eating hors d'oeuvres and gossiping about everybody. Ellen joined them for a little while, but she left early, after some loud blow-up with her boyfriend. Sandra swings over toward them and makes fun of them for being antisocial before she disappears again to talk to someone else.

Right now they're playing the What About Him? game. It's Katie's turn to pick someone out, so she's scoping the room.

"Blond guy, corner, water bottle." She pokes T.R. in the arm. "Eight o'clock."

T.R. sits up a little -- it's hard when Katie's pretty much sitting on his lap -- and squints in that directions. He muses for a second and then says, "Old."

"Yeah, but not old-old."

"Yeah. Rugged old, maybe."

"Like eighties Harrison Ford," Katie says. "Still kinda hot."

"Hmm. Yeah, I guess." T.R. nods. "I'd do him."

"Me too."

"Ugh, wait," says T.R., "look, he's pulling out a pack of cigarettes. He's a smoker."

They watch the guy walk to the doors and let himself out on the patio, where Sandra's set up all the ashtrays for the tobacco pariahs.

"So?" says Katie. "I smoke."

"I wouldn't do you, either," T.R. points out, nudging her shoulder with his head.

Katie snorts and says, "Yeah, I'm sure that's the only reason."

It's T.R.'s turn next, and they move on to a really pretty dark-skinned guy in a pinstripe suit. T.R. thinks he looks like a user, the arrogant kind, who'd be really lousy in bed. Katie mostly agrees, but she has to point out again how pretty he is.

So, in the ordinary run of things, that would be that. They've played the game a hundred times before and they'll play it a hundred times again; it's just a stupid fun way for them to pass time. Katie's pretty much forgotten about it by the time a half hour's gone by. T.R.'s left the couch to fetch her another drink ("Something pink this time!" she ordered. "And sparkly!" "I'm not going to let you drink something that sparkles," T.R. said, but he got up to get it anyway). Katie's sitting by herself, waiting, people-watching, when a guy comes over and sits on the overstuffed armchair nearby.

They make eye contact and smile at each other in that polite but not engaging way. The guy says, "You're on Sandra's new show, right?"

"Oh," Katie says, "yeah! I'm Katie." She leans forward and he does, too. They shake hands. The guy's grip is firm and solid, long-fingered, a little callused and rough.

"I'm Callum," he says.

"Nice to meet you."

This is the point when Katie realizes that it's the blond guy from earlier, the smoker carrying around the bottled water. It's also when she realizes he looks vaguely familiar. If he's an actor, she's seen him in something, even if she can't think of what.

They start chatting, just average stupid small talk stuff, but Katie's having a good time. Callum turns out to be a smart guy, plus he's even better looking up close, especially when he smiles. He's quiet but intense.

After a minute or two she sees T.R. approaching from behind Callum's chair, and she looks up and catches his eye.

Katie will swear to the day she dies that she most definitely did not give T.R. any sort of special signal at that moment, let alone the stay away, possible nookie at hand!!! code. But T.R. sees something, anyway, something that he interprets by looking from her to Callum, widening both eyes, and giving Katie a big a-ok sign with the hand that's not holding a big fruity drink. And then he disappears.

Katie's eyes must give something away then, because Callum notices. He glances behind his head before giving her a quick smile. "Looking for your friend?"

"Oh," says Katie, "yeah, no, I mean. He's not my boyfriend or anything like that. We're not together. I mean, if you thought that."

The tendency to babble is not on Katie's list of her top ten favorite things about herself.

Callum ducks his head a little, still smiling. "No, I didn't think you were. Queer boys and their girls have a pretty distinctive aura about them."

Something about the way he says that would make Katie think that he has experience being part of the fag/fag-hag relationship himself. If it wasn't for how smoothly he was flirting with her.

Callum says, "Hey, you wanna go talk somewhere a little more quiet?"

*****

Katie was not born yesterday. It does not, thus, come as an utter shock to her when Callum's "somewhere quiet" turns out to be "a really small room with a door that locks."

"The bathroom!" Katie exclaims as he closes the door behind them. She turns around to take in the full ambiance of the decor, nodding as she comes back to face him. "Very nice! Very smooth choice. I'm impressed."

"I thought it had a certain charm," Callum says. He sits down on the closed toilet seat lid and stretches out his legs all the way in front of him. Long legs, Katie notices: he's wearing jeans, cowboy style, and his legs just keep going.

Katie leans back against the counter. "So what exactly where you thinking we could talk about?"

Callum's smile is crooked when he looks up at her. "I don't know. How do you feel about golf?"

That was in no way what Katie was expecting him to say; it makes her laugh out loud. "I've got a better idea, okay?"

"Okay," Callum says, and he pulls her in as she climbs over to straddle his lap.

Katie likes kissing. Katie likes kissing a lot. And Callum is a really, really good kisser. And if he's a little handsy, it's not like Katie has any objections to that at this point. None at all.

He's got both hands up her sweater remarkably fast, unclasping her bra with a practiced move, and he breaks the kiss as her breasts fall out from their slack cups. "You," he says, "have gorgeous tits, do you know that?"

His breath is hot against her face, and his fingers are cool and nimble as they play with her boobs, weighing the heaviness with both hands, gently starting to play with the nipples. "Uh. Thanks?" Katie says breathlessly.

"Fabulous," Callum says, and his voice is so dark and hoarse that Katie moans and rubs down against him. She grabs his head with both hands and brings their mouths back together.

Callum moves his hands from her boobs to her butt, and he stands them up in one smooth move. Katie wouldn't have expected it -- she's not a tiny girl, and he's not a huge guy -- but he's got all her weight supported, and she wraps her legs around him as he pushes her against the wall.

Katie is pretty sure she loses track of time here. She is glued to a guy she doesn't even know, making out in the bathroom at a party, and it's the hottest thing that has happened to her in years. They're grinding against each other, kissing and necking and touching, and every time Callum moves a certain way, her head bangs against the wall. It doesn't hurt -- she doesn't even feel it -- but she can hear them.

She thinks she's just about gotten to the point of I'm kind of drunk and Exactly how far do I want this to go? and Shit, do I even *have* a condom with me if I wanted to? and Wait, self, no freaking way you're having sex in the bathroom with some guy when someone knocks on the door and shouts loudly, "Hey, assholes! Some of us have to pee!"

Callum and Katie both stop what they're doing at the same instant; they end up looking in each other's faces. Katie can't help bursting into laughter, and she's got Callum snickering too as he helps her get her feet back on the ground, standing on her own.

She fastens her bra back behind her, and Callum buttons his shirt back up, and they both brush each other off a bit, a little more normal looking.

"Nice meeting you," Callum says. He looks wicked. "I guess I'll be seeing you around."

"I guess," Katie says. Callum kisses her cheek before he unlocks the door and lets them out.

T.R. is waiting back at the couch when Katie wanders back in. He raises her eyebrows at her. She nods. He golf-claps. She hits him in the shoulder as she sits down beside him again.

"Do I get details?" says T.R.

"Give me my sparkly pink drink and we'll see," says Katie.

******

It's a couple weeks later, on set in between scenes. Katie's going over the last take in her mind when Sandra turns to her, totally smirking, and says, "So you and Cal hooked up at my house."

It takes Katie a second to process. Then: "What?" says Katie. "He told you that?"

Sandra just rolls her eyes. "God, Katie. I'm all-knowing, all-seeing."

"Shut up."

"I'm surprised, actually," Sandra continues, still smiling to herself. "I would never have put you two together."

"Oh my god, seriously, it was a couple of kisses in the bathroom. It's not a big deal!" Katie pauses. "Wait, why not?"

"Well, you're not that compatible, I suppose. For one thing, you're both complete bottoms."

Katie is dumbstruck for about thirty seconds before she says, "I cannot believe you just said that."

"Why not?"

Katie has no better answer than, "Because!"

Sandra says, "You're waiting for someone to sweep you off your feet. It's ... cute."

The little pause between the last two words is a little suspicious. "I'm not waiting for anything. I have been swept off my feet. So there." She's meeting Josh after she gets off set, even though it's going to be late and she's going to be exhausted and look like shit after the long day. She doesn't care.

"Oh, hey, that's great!" Sandra says, sounding sincerely happy for her. "I didn't know you guys were getting serious."

Katie shrugs, unable to stop from smiling just thinking about it, and they're both quiet for a bit. She manages to wait a full two more minutes before she cracks.

"What do you mean about him being a bottom, anyway?"

Sandra raises her eyebrows and just says, "Callum just needs a strong hand. Remind me to tell you about our Genie Awards and the tub of Vaseline some time."

Katie says, "Oh my god, you are dirty," and Sandra laughs and walks away.
Tags:

(no subject)

19/7/07 01:45 (UTC)
zulu: Carson Shaw looking up at Greta Gill (grey's - pancreas)
Posted by [personal profile] zulu
Ah, it's so true, Callum is such a bottom and Sandra would know. Vera vera hot up against a wall--I'm a fan.

(no subject)

19/7/07 02:15 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] malnpudl.livejournal.com
You are ENTIRELY MADE OF AWESOME!

*showers you and fic and Katie and Callum with big shiny hearts*

Of course she'd do him! And of course he'd hit on her!

And of course Hugh would be okay with it. Callum can do all the girls he wants. ;-)

(no subject)

19/7/07 03:14 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] snarkyducky.livejournal.com
Queer boys and their girls have a pretty distinctive aura about them."

"Well, you're not that compatible, I suppose. For one thing, you're both complete bottoms."

wow. cannot decide which sentence is more fabulous!!
thanks for sharing this ;D

(no subject)

19/7/07 03:56 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pirateygoodness.livejournal.com
Duuuude, for the win. This is adorable and makes me miss writing Katie Heigl, yet. . .hot in that intense way, because of the CKR of it all. ♥!

(no subject)

19/7/07 14:35 (UTC)
Posted by [personal profile] octette
heee. this was awesome.

(no subject)

19/7/07 14:59 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] fox1013.livejournal.com
I love you so much, darling.

This is wonderful and awesome and, you know, perfect.

You are so my favorite.

(no subject)

19/7/07 15:23 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] cidercupcakes.livejournal.com
...I love you so much in this moment.

I mean, in all the other moments too, but especially in this moment.

That was glorious and shiny and funny and beautiful.

(no subject)

19/7/07 16:20 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] myalltheworld.livejournal.com
Hah, I'm actually really glad that Fox sent me this way (I mean, not personally, because I'm not that lucky, but sent anyway) to see this. Because it was at least four different kinds of awesome. I'm sure it could possibly have even reached seven. Seven separate kinds of awesome, with a sprinkling of those little sparkly hearts on top.

Aces.

(no subject)

19/7/07 16:32 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] buzzylittleb.livejournal.com
Oh, this is an awesome "christening" for the comm!

I love your characterisation. Callum talking about golf (well, trying to talk about golf). I'd give good money (well, the $40 in my current account) to see Callum, Sandra, and the Genie...

*big grin*

And that's without the most amazing thing. Pearl, you made me read het and like it.

(no subject)

19/7/07 16:44 (UTC)
ext_12785: A woman in a white dress, facing the camera, while the sunlight reflects off of the lens (RayK)
Posted by [identity profile] lattara.livejournal.com
YOU ARE SO VERY AWESOME I HAVE NO WORDS. NO WORDS AT ALL.

(no subject)

19/7/07 19:14 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_unhurt_/
oooh! ok. i have never seen a single episode of grey's anatomy, and i even had to google katie to see what she looks like, but i still got a kick out of this. deliciously hot and flirty. dirty bathroom make-outs, dirtier sandra, and altogether yum!

(no subject)

20/7/07 04:18 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] brynnmck.livejournal.com
Mmmmmmmm, HOTNESS. (Also, your note to tinhats was very considerate. HEE. I am sure Hugh would have NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with Callum making out with Katie Heigl.)

(no subject)

20/7/07 04:19 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] brynnmck.livejournal.com
OK, I meant to use this icon. Because it is hot. And in a bathroom. Damn my icon organization!

(no subject)

20/7/07 12:25 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] laylee.livejournal.com
Long legs, Katie notices: he's wearing jeans, cowboy style, and his legs just keep going.

Mmm, Callum's legs...

(no subject)

20/7/07 21:56 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] brooklinegirl.livejournal.com
I have EIGHT MILLION WONDERFULLY AWESOME THINGS to say about this. I LOVED IT SO MUCH. callum! hitting on girls! his long long legs! he is HANDSY. He LIFTS HER UP AND PUSHES HER AGAINST THE WALL! just! eeeee! omg, pearl, SUCH SERIOUS LOVE.

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:05 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
Hee, thank you so much!

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:06 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
It is a pairing that makes no real sense, but it is IRRESISTIBLE anyway! Because ... pretty people! Being adorable! And making out! Yay!

And of course Hugh would be okay with it. Callum can do all the girls he wants. ;-)

*giggles* I figured better safe than sorry with the note! I know a lot of people feel very strongly!

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:07 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
Thanks so much! Oh, Callum. You are a big queer bisexual who likes making out with hot chicks, and I love you for it.

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:07 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
YAY! You know your opinion's worth more than most people's to me.

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:09 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
Katie Heigl is so cute it should be, like, *illegal*. Seriously.

And eeee, so glad you liked it! Because, after all, your fault. <3

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:09 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
*loves you the BEST, forever*

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:11 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
*wins!*

See, the bottoms thing is true, though. Katie wouldn't be able to peg CKR and give him the serious ass-fucking he so desperately needs! We need a different hot chick for that.

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:11 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
Eeee, wow! Just four would be squeeful enough, but seven? I think that's a new record for me! Thank you so much! :)

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:12 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
I'm so glad you liked it!

*giggles* Making people like het is one of my SECRET SUPERPOWERS. \o/

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:12 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
YAAAAAAAY!

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:13 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
*beams* I am so glad you enjoyed it anyway! I was kind of worried that it wouldn't work as well for people who only knew CKR, and not the Grey's cast, so this was really relieving!

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:14 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
I thought it was important to soothe you guys ahead of time! Hot chicks are hot chicks, man. Hugh should be impressed Callum can still score 'em.

Yaaaaaaay, hotness!

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:15 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
Seriously, man. Mmmmmmmm.

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:18 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
*TWIRLS YOU FOREVER*

Tracey, I wrote FIC and it was fun and dirty and CALLUM. MAKIN' OUT WITH A HOT CHICK. I seriously have not had this much fun writing a story in a *long* time.

(Now I want lots and lots and lots of dirty and/or dorky Canada RPF, though. Callum/Sandra! Callum/Molly! Molly/Sandra! Callum/Sandra/Molly! Callum/Don! Paul/Martha! Dan MacIvor fic where during Twitch City Callum is a bratty cocktease who flirts with him all the time and doesn't mean anything by it! Camp Wilby fic with Ellen Page bonding with Sandra and Callum and whoever! Etc., etc., etc.)

(no subject)

21/7/07 19:44 (UTC)
Posted by [personal profile] octette


(what i really love is your slutty callum. you should write drabbles about callum being slutty with lots of hot people. nobody writes slutty callum like this.)

(no subject)

21/7/07 22:22 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] fox1013.livejournal.com
...Sandra?

(no subject)

21/7/07 23:28 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
...I was trying to let her figure it out HERSELF, Amy.

(no subject)

21/7/07 23:34 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] fox1013.livejournal.com
*sniffles*

You are not proud of me for figuring it out?

(no subject)

22/7/07 01:08 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
Good point. *awards you retroactive gold star*

(no subject)

22/7/07 09:38 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] buzzylittleb.livejournal.com
It's quite a nifty superpower too.

(no subject)

27/7/07 19:44 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] hermionesviolin.livejournal.com
Mmm, lap-straddling is awesome.

Sandra Oh and her Genie Award! :) I think I remember this from some Canadian Actor Mafia fic.

Also: Katie and her sparkly drink. And perfect breasts.

I'm impressed by how fun and true-feeling this is (though since basically all my GA RPF "knowledge" comes from Amy&co. I suppose the latter doesn't really mean much).

(no subject)

9/9/07 19:54 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pearl-o.livejournal.com
This is late, but yay! Thank you so much for your kind words!

(no subject)

2/9/08 21:31 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] 0walking-naked0.livejournal.com
You made me read something other than Callum/Hugh! But, y'know, I'm glad I did. I did have to do a quick google search to find out who Katie was, but still...

Anuway, this line: 'It does not, thus, come as an utter shock to her when Callum's "somewhere quiet" turns out to be "a really small room with a door that locks."' made up for any misgivings I might have had at the start. I love that line so much, and I don't even know why :D

And yay, more way-too-late commenting.

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