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schmericaSo, uh, this is where Dira's fix-it snippet has had my mind going all day.
*****
Canada was the same. The cabin was the same -- fireplace, stove, tiny table with two chairs, almost empty bookcase, the big bed that dominated half the place. The bed was the same, too, every pillow, every blanket. Ray wondered how Fraser'd been sleeping in it alone the past few months -- had he stayed on his own side, or just stretched out in the middle? Had he spread his bedroll on the floor and slept like that? Ray didn't ask.
Him and Fraser weren't the same, but they were something. That was more than Ray thought he'd ever be able to say again.
The first time Fraser kissed him again, Ray knew Fraser was gonna do it from the look on his face. It was the same look Fraser got when he was bracing himself up for anything freaking him out, his "I am a Big Tough Mountie" look. It was after dinner, the first night back -- Ray was clearing the dishes off the table, and Fraser got that look on his face, and Ray stopped and stood real still, holding the dishes in both hands. And Fraser stood up, put his hand on Ray's shoulder and leaned in and kissed him firmly on the mouth.
Fraser looked relieved, afterward, and Ray thought maybe he was, too.
First steps were the hardest. You had to start somewhere.
Fraser touched him a lot, the first few days. He'd touch Ray's arm, his shoulder, his back when he passed by him in the cabin. It was conscious touching, methodical, almost, like he was training himself to get back used to Ray again.
They tried having sex the second week.
"Are you sure--" Ray said, when Fraser reached out across their bed. "I don't know--"
"This is why we're here, isn't it?" Fraser said, still that wearing sort of fortified, determined look. "To give this another chance?"
It was awkward, all tentative and careful, like they didn't know each other anymore. Like they were afraid of breaking something, like if they did the wrong thing something might crack right open again. They kissed for a while, and groped at each other clumsily -- and Ray had missed this, missed him, and even like this, with them like strangers, he still couldn't breathe when Fraser touched him. He wanted to tell Fraser that he was sorry or that he loved him, or that he had missed him, but he couldn't do any of that -- he was afraid to say a single word.
Afterwards, they both lay facing each other, and Ray kept his eyes half-shut while Fraser looked at him.
Fraser reached out, his hand soft against Ray's hair, and said quietly, "I don't know how to do this."
"Me neither," said Ray, "but we've got to."
Neither of them said anything else, and Ray fell asleep to Fraser still stroking his hair.
The next day Dief came over to sniff by Ray while he was cooking lunch, and Ray gave him a piece of the meat he was cutting. That was the first time Dief had acknowledged Ray's existence since he came back. Ray guessed maybe all was forgiven with a wolf, now that he and Fraser smelled like each other again.
With people, it was different. The thing about Fraser was that it was like he was pretending everything was forgiven, like nothing had ever happened, but it had, and they both knew it. It was like everything was now this thing that they wouldn't talk about, because Fraser was too noble to bring it up, they had put it behind them, and Fraser wasn't gonna ever bring it up to reproach Ray again.
Which was crap, and basically turned out like he was reproaching Ray all the time. Fraser was pissed, and he had a right to be pissed, and they both knew it; it was stupid to pretend like this. What was the point?
It was a couple weeks before Ray cracked enough to ask that to Fraser. They got into an argument, a big one, messy and loud and cruel, both of them going for the jugular, saying all the stuff they'd been avoiding. Ray threw the salt shaker at the wall, and it cracked open and the salt fell all over the floor, and Fraser shoved Ray hard against the door and Ray bared his teeth and kissed Fraser as hard as he could. Fraser kissed him back, pinning him there, nipping hard at his neck and shoulders, until Ray was shaking against him and Fraser pulled both of them down to the rug in front of the fireplace. Ray sucked Fraser's cock while he jerked himself off, and when he came before Fraser, Fraser pushed him onto his stomach and fucked him for a long time, slow and hard, hugging him close, so that Ray could feel Fraser's strength and frustration and anger and stamina all the way through him, till Fraser finally, finally, shook to pieces and fell apart.
Ray hadn't caught his breath yet, after, when Fraser's weight rolled off of him and Fraser said, his voice a little unsteady, "It's possible I overestimated how well I was dealing with things."
"You think?" Ray said. He managed to gather the strength in his arms to push himself up to look at Fraser.
Fraser was looking straight back at him. "I don't -- things are not all right, Ray."
"Yeah," said Ray, "I know." It was weird trying to think, have a real conversation like this, naked and sweaty and messy. "But -- look at it this way, Fraser, it's honest now. You and me, we gotta be honest with each other." Ray had always been a conjob -- that was what his first marriage was all about, when you got down to it -- but Fraser knew every single bad and horrible thing about Ray, and they were both still here anyway. It was scary and freeing, both at the same time. "It's gotta get better from here," Ray said.
Fraser closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and nodded slowly. Ray reached out and held Fraser's hand in his till Fraser took another deep breath and finally rose to start cleaning the place back up.
Weirdly enough, after that things really did start to get better.
*****
Canada was the same. The cabin was the same -- fireplace, stove, tiny table with two chairs, almost empty bookcase, the big bed that dominated half the place. The bed was the same, too, every pillow, every blanket. Ray wondered how Fraser'd been sleeping in it alone the past few months -- had he stayed on his own side, or just stretched out in the middle? Had he spread his bedroll on the floor and slept like that? Ray didn't ask.
Him and Fraser weren't the same, but they were something. That was more than Ray thought he'd ever be able to say again.
The first time Fraser kissed him again, Ray knew Fraser was gonna do it from the look on his face. It was the same look Fraser got when he was bracing himself up for anything freaking him out, his "I am a Big Tough Mountie" look. It was after dinner, the first night back -- Ray was clearing the dishes off the table, and Fraser got that look on his face, and Ray stopped and stood real still, holding the dishes in both hands. And Fraser stood up, put his hand on Ray's shoulder and leaned in and kissed him firmly on the mouth.
Fraser looked relieved, afterward, and Ray thought maybe he was, too.
First steps were the hardest. You had to start somewhere.
Fraser touched him a lot, the first few days. He'd touch Ray's arm, his shoulder, his back when he passed by him in the cabin. It was conscious touching, methodical, almost, like he was training himself to get back used to Ray again.
They tried having sex the second week.
"Are you sure--" Ray said, when Fraser reached out across their bed. "I don't know--"
"This is why we're here, isn't it?" Fraser said, still that wearing sort of fortified, determined look. "To give this another chance?"
It was awkward, all tentative and careful, like they didn't know each other anymore. Like they were afraid of breaking something, like if they did the wrong thing something might crack right open again. They kissed for a while, and groped at each other clumsily -- and Ray had missed this, missed him, and even like this, with them like strangers, he still couldn't breathe when Fraser touched him. He wanted to tell Fraser that he was sorry or that he loved him, or that he had missed him, but he couldn't do any of that -- he was afraid to say a single word.
Afterwards, they both lay facing each other, and Ray kept his eyes half-shut while Fraser looked at him.
Fraser reached out, his hand soft against Ray's hair, and said quietly, "I don't know how to do this."
"Me neither," said Ray, "but we've got to."
Neither of them said anything else, and Ray fell asleep to Fraser still stroking his hair.
The next day Dief came over to sniff by Ray while he was cooking lunch, and Ray gave him a piece of the meat he was cutting. That was the first time Dief had acknowledged Ray's existence since he came back. Ray guessed maybe all was forgiven with a wolf, now that he and Fraser smelled like each other again.
With people, it was different. The thing about Fraser was that it was like he was pretending everything was forgiven, like nothing had ever happened, but it had, and they both knew it. It was like everything was now this thing that they wouldn't talk about, because Fraser was too noble to bring it up, they had put it behind them, and Fraser wasn't gonna ever bring it up to reproach Ray again.
Which was crap, and basically turned out like he was reproaching Ray all the time. Fraser was pissed, and he had a right to be pissed, and they both knew it; it was stupid to pretend like this. What was the point?
It was a couple weeks before Ray cracked enough to ask that to Fraser. They got into an argument, a big one, messy and loud and cruel, both of them going for the jugular, saying all the stuff they'd been avoiding. Ray threw the salt shaker at the wall, and it cracked open and the salt fell all over the floor, and Fraser shoved Ray hard against the door and Ray bared his teeth and kissed Fraser as hard as he could. Fraser kissed him back, pinning him there, nipping hard at his neck and shoulders, until Ray was shaking against him and Fraser pulled both of them down to the rug in front of the fireplace. Ray sucked Fraser's cock while he jerked himself off, and when he came before Fraser, Fraser pushed him onto his stomach and fucked him for a long time, slow and hard, hugging him close, so that Ray could feel Fraser's strength and frustration and anger and stamina all the way through him, till Fraser finally, finally, shook to pieces and fell apart.
Ray hadn't caught his breath yet, after, when Fraser's weight rolled off of him and Fraser said, his voice a little unsteady, "It's possible I overestimated how well I was dealing with things."
"You think?" Ray said. He managed to gather the strength in his arms to push himself up to look at Fraser.
Fraser was looking straight back at him. "I don't -- things are not all right, Ray."
"Yeah," said Ray, "I know." It was weird trying to think, have a real conversation like this, naked and sweaty and messy. "But -- look at it this way, Fraser, it's honest now. You and me, we gotta be honest with each other." Ray had always been a conjob -- that was what his first marriage was all about, when you got down to it -- but Fraser knew every single bad and horrible thing about Ray, and they were both still here anyway. It was scary and freeing, both at the same time. "It's gotta get better from here," Ray said.
Fraser closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and nodded slowly. Ray reached out and held Fraser's hand in his till Fraser took another deep breath and finally rose to start cleaning the place back up.
Weirdly enough, after that things really did start to get better.
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![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
26/4/05 05:47 (UTC)Aww, HELL yeah. I think you fixed it. But that could just be me.
(no subject)
26/4/05 19:51 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 05:47 (UTC)I wanna write like you when I grow up.
(no subject)
26/4/05 19:51 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 05:48 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 19:52 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 06:10 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 09:02 (UTC)Oh.
I am broken.
(no subject)
26/4/05 09:09 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 19:52 (UTC)(no subject)
27/4/05 10:09 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 11:48 (UTC)Wonderful stuff.
(no subject)
26/4/05 19:52 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 12:12 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 19:53 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 13:02 (UTC)uhm - yes. I loved this. And I might be hormonal, too.
*g*
It was awkward, all tentative and careful, like they didn't know each other anymore. Like they were afraid of breaking something, like if they did the wrong thing something might crack right open again
god, this is just gorgeous, honey.
*snugs you*
(no subject)
26/4/05 19:53 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 13:55 (UTC)Because this? Fraser was looking straight back at him. "I don't -- things are not all right, Ray."
"Yeah," said Ray, "I know." It was weird trying to think, have a real conversation like this, naked and sweaty and messy. "But -- look at it this way, Fraser, it's honest now. You and me, we gotta be honest with each other." Ray had always been a conjob -- that was what his first marriage was all about, when you got down to it -- but Fraser knew every single bad and horrible thing about Ray, and they were both still here anyway. It was scary and freeing, both at the same time.
This is so real. This is the point my ex-husband and I got to, when we were finally being honest with each other and realized it was time to part.
So while it's not fixed, they're well on their way to fixing it. So yeah, you're fixing more. Yay you! :o)
(no subject)
26/4/05 19:54 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 14:45 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 19:54 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 15:29 (UTC)::faints from joy::
(no subject)
26/4/05 19:55 (UTC)Also, really, at this point, I am willing to seriously consider any offers that do not involve evil research papers.
(no subject)
26/4/05 17:15 (UTC)And you know, it does get better, it gets better and it's really, overall, Ray thinks it's going to be alright. But they don't go to visit Maggie anymore, and Fraser doesn't return her calls. Ray caught him once putting a letter in the fire, unopened, with Maggie's writing on it, and he didn't say anything. But Jesus, that just killed him. Maggie was Fraser's only family, and she wasn't getting a second chance, just him, just his worthless skinny self.
That night he kept Fraser on the edge for what seemed like hours, driving him toward orgasm and pulling back before the brink, then starting over, slowly, until Fraser begged him "Ray, please," and then Ray fucked him slow and deep until Fraser gave that little gasp and grunt and came all over the sheets and then Ray fucked him hard and fast until he fucking lost it, shaking, clinging to Fraser's shoulders and trying to tell himself that the dampness on his cheeks was sweat.
And some days it's bad again, like it's never gonna get better, like it never got better at all, and Fraser doesn't talk to him much, and Ray doesn't know what to say. It's a good thing they live in such a two-horse little podunk town, because days like that make Ray want to just go out and get fucked, find someone he could pretend with, someone who didn't fucking know everything about him, someone who wasn't still hurting because of his stupid fucking fuckups. Not that that would help, but on the days when Fraser pulls back, Ray kind of wants it anyway.
pearl_o is an instigator par excellence...
26/4/05 19:05 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 19:55 (UTC)(no subject)
26/4/05 20:27 (UTC)She's huddled up in a warm winter coat, and she looks a little lost without her uniform on, but when she sees Ray she straightens up a little, shows that Mountie-ramrod posture and gives him a little kind of "fuck-you" look. Her eyes are a little red but she's not crying now. "Ray," she says, and Ray's gut is acid, he thinks he's going to break apart, right there in the snow and the gravel. "Ray, I need to talk to Fraser."
Not to him, to Fraser. And that hurts, a little, but Ray figures he deserves it. Still, he's not getting near Maggie, no matter what she's there for. He hadn't really meant to do it last time, still isn't quite sure why he did, or why she did, or how it all started or why they didn't stop. And since he can't say why it happened once, he's not sure how to keep it from happening again. Except that he can't...won't be near her. It's not that he wants her. But he didn't really want her last time, not like that, not for her. So that's no guarantee.
Still, he knows how to treat a guest, he's been up here long enough for that, and she's clearly cold and tired and she's come a long way. He tosses her the keys, and she catches them, fumbling with chilled fingers. "Make yourself at home. I'll be at the diner if you or Ben need me." He figures they really do need to talk, without him around, and at least the diner has hot coffee. He turns to go, drag himself back into the truck and drive his sorry ass five miles into town, but as he opens the door he looks back. Maggie's still on the porch, clutching the keys and looking lost, and Ray's glad she's far enough away that he can't see if she's crying now, because he thinks maybe she is and he doesn't want to know. He wants to tell her it's not her he doesn't trust, that he's sorry, that it's going to be okay and she'll get a second chance like he did. But he doesn't know how much of that is even true, and in the end all he says is, "He know you're coming?" and she shakes her head, "no."
Ray starts the engine and backs out of the driveway. She's still standing there when he takes off, and he hopes she'll actually use the fuckin' keys, because forgiveness or no, Fraser will not be happy with Ray if he comes home to a frozen relative on his doorstep. Ray curses, almost more a scream than a recognizable word, and slams the heel of his palm against the steering wheel. He'd rather go to the bar than the diner, but even Ray Kowalski sometimes knows a bad idea when it looks him in the face. Sometimes. He pulls into the diner parking lot and turns the truck off, but he doesn't get out, just rests his head against the steering wheel and tries not to think.
(no subject)
26/4/05 21:03 (UTC)And when Fraser comes to the diner to get him, Fraser's eyes are red, too. Ray follows him home, and Maggie's gone already, and Fraser doesn't say anything and Ray doesn't ask. But when all the lights are off and they're both in their bed and Ray's almost asleep, he feels Fraser shift in the bed and after a minute Fraser's voice comes out of the darkness and says, "She told me she hadn't known."
Ray can't breathe. "Yeah?" he says. "I told you that."
"So you did," Fraser says quietly. "She told me she didn't want me to hate her... I don't hate her. I never did."
"Fraser--" Ray says, but he doesn't know what else to say.
"When I see her, when I think about her, it reminds me. I didn't want more reminders, Ray."
Ray wraps his arms tight around himself, curling further underneath the blawnket. "She's your family, Fraser."
"So she is," Fraser says, and then he doesn't say anything else, but Ray can tell from the sound of his breathing that he stays awake for a while longer.
(no subject)
27/4/05 00:05 (UTC)no, okay, don't stop. at least not here, where i'm so mad at ray. dammit, ray, you see, you do something hugely thoughtless and everyone around you pays and pays and pays. ow. - tally
dief!
26/4/05 19:20 (UTC)Re: dief!
26/4/05 19:57 (UTC)