regencyhooker.txt is how this is saved on my computer

[schmerica]

HERE YOU GO, YOU GUYS, IT'S A PRESENT FROM ME TO YOU FOR TODAY. Well, from me and from Sheila. Because our brains are apparently made of win. Slightly-cleaned-up chat discussions about awesome AUs yaaaaaaaaaaay!

Sheila: and like. honestly?
Sheila: I want *crack* hooker fic.
Sheila: er. not crack hookers.

Pearl: right. realistic hooker fic is just depressing!

Sheila: but hooker fic which is crackfic.
Sheila: yes!

Pearl: i want, like, courtesans and shit.
Pearl: LADIES OF THE NIGHT.

Sheila: zomg yes.
Sheila: hookers with hearts of gold!

Pearl: exactly!

Sheila: ...man, I could totally go for fob as like, regency boyhookers.

Pearl: Can Vicky-T be the madam?
Pearl: Because Vicky-T would be a fucking amazing regency madam.

Sheila: she'd be classy
Sheila: and sassy and a little outrageous
Sheila: and um. Pete would totally be like, her exotic draw.

Pearl: Pete has, like, veils and crap.
Pearl: He's like "...you know i grew up two blocks from here, right?"
Pearl: and she's like "SSSSSHHH just speak with the stupid accent! it doubles your price!"

Sheila: he's some rich lord's caribbean bastard
Sheila: and he knows Andy from um. something. from when he was a kid.
Sheila: and he meets young Joe when...young Joe comes to be all devirginized right
Sheila: except that makes Joe not a hooker.

Pearl: I kind of like Joe as Nice Middle Class Jew Doctor's Son.
Pearl: because, he's still not, like, accepted. he's outside society in a totally different way.
Pearl: and also he would be incredibly sweet.

Sheila: and a little awkward

Pearl: and would, uh, figure out that vicky is presenting pete as though he's from egypt AND the middle east AND india AND japan all at the same time and be like "um, so, what's that about?" and eventually he would make pete just talk in his normal voice, and it makes him kind of happy.

Sheila: and um. so, Joe meets Patrick
Sheila: who is. also middle class, but like, he wants to make music and he doesn't have time and he is all emo

Pearl: patrick's, like, a shopkeeper's kid. so he has to be a shopkeeper too. :-(

Sheila: and prepped to take over the family business.

Pearl: but he has DREAMS.

Sheila: and so Joe is like, "Patrick, my friend, you need to get laid."
Sheila: only more regency-like.

*****

Pearl: *thinks about pete the regency whore some more*

Sheila: pete the regency whore pulls patrick's pigtails all the time.
Sheila: and Patrick is very confused by it
Sheila: like, "Joe, why...does he hate me?"
Sheila: he doesn't know! He is pretty much shopkeeper music dude
Sheila: and Joe is all, "Um, like, you never did that with a girl?" and Patrick's like, "I DON'T DO THAT WITH BOYS, IS WHAT I AM SAYING, JOSEPH."
Sheila: which is his clever way of avoiding the whole topic

Pearl: Pete never does that to Joe. He's friendly with Joe and gives him kisses on the cheek. Not that Patrick's jealous or anything, because it would be stupid to be jealous of a whore. Um.
Pearl: Possibly next time Patrick decides to bring a PRESENT. Then Pete will like him, right? So he gets, like. Ribbons. And some candy. And Pete is like "....why did you do that?"

Sheila: they confuse each other!

Pearl: they doooooo.
Pearl: when pete is out shopping on his day off, he sees patrick on the street. and, you know, the normal thing to do is to just keep on going and pretend not to know each other, but patrick actually STOPS. and introduces the innocent tiny cousin on his arm (greta?) to pete, that pete is a "friend". and seems, like, happy to have seen him. pete doesn't quite know what to say.

Sheila: patrick's problem, is that he doesn't know how to behave properly
Sheila: and it's not like pete's mr. follow the rules or anything, but patrick doesn't seem to realize that there are rules at all

Pearl: i bet gabe gives pete advice. like "dude, he's totally in love with you. GO FOR DIAMONDS. rubies just don't cut it. and one of the GOOD opera boxes."
Pearl: and pete is like "1) no he's not and 2) you're an idiot."

Sheila: the other hookers are all, "..." about the whole thing
Sheila: like, before they meet Patrick, they sort of make fun of him because dude, seriously? a john in love with a hooker? totally hilarious
Sheila: but then they do meet him and he's just as nice to them
Sheila: and he totally defends their honor which is wtf-inducing

Pearl: Ryan and Spencer would be the meanest about him, to begin with, because they are young and new, and it makes them extra snotty becuse they think it makes them seem sophisticated.

Sheila: brendon likes him though, right off. he thinks it's sweet

Pearl: brendon also reads a lot of trashy novels in his spare time, though.
Pearl: so he likes to suggest that maybe patrick is secretly a duke, and he's going to marry pete and whisk him away to kent.
Pearl: (Brendon is practical about his own life. He sees things how they are, and he's good at it! But other people's lives, he likes to fix.)
Pearl: Fix, and make up ridicuous backstory for. Both, really.
Pearl: (Vicky T says she wasn't found on a doorstep abandoned by gypsies, but you never know.)
Pearl: at some point joe finally marries his betrothed, and they have their stupid adorable jewish wedding, and the whores give joe a really special send off, because he's never coming again, because Joe Is Not That Guy, but. After that it's kind of even weirder for Patrick!

******

Sheila: but so, regency hookers
Sheila: Pete thinks that Patrick is nuts.
Sheila: and probably delusional
Sheila: and sometimes, he does not nice things
Sheila: like, he totally hooks Patrick up with one of the more hardcore hookers
Sheila: like, he's trying to shock Patrick into revealing his true character and stuff
Sheila: and Patrick is mostly like, "Oh, um, well. I. I guess I'll pay you, but I kind of don't want to have sex with you, okay?"

Pearl: The cat o nine tails are scary. And he can still see the wounds from the last dude.
Pearl: Patrick's like "....Do you want a blanket or something?"

Sheila: and so they like, talk
Sheila: it's andy
Sheila: andy. pete totally hooks patrick up with andy
Sheila: and patrick is like, "yeah, no, I really want to make music, right? but I have to be a shopkeeper."
Pearl: oh PATRICK.
Sheila: and so Andy is like, 'Hmmm. I cannot take your money and not provide you a service. That would be unethical."
Sheila: and so he drags Patrick to Mistress Vicky's private rooms and is like, "there, a piano."
Sheila: and Vicky's all, "Andy, wtf?" and Patrick just kind of goes, "....ooooh." and pets it
Sheila: and so they're all sitting in there and Andy is talking about politics and Vicky T is arguing with him just to argue and Patrick is just playing
Sheila: and sometimes he'll say stuff about the politics and it's kind of weird, because if they do talk to their johns, they're usually like, nobles
Sheila: and Patrick is so firmly middle class that it's this totally different point of view

Pearl: plus, you know, with the nobles it's all like, wit and playing at a salon and stuff. patrick is just saying what he thinks.
Pearl: at some point pete comes in to talk to vicky about how he thinks lord victor is getting a little bored with him, and maybe she should try giving him to alex next time, and he just stops in the doorway and stares at patrick.

Sheila: in my head, they are all sitting around Vicky's rooms and Patrick is playing and brendon's singing along
Sheila: and Pete's kind of sitting next to Patrick on the bench, watching his hands
Sheila: and sometimes when Patrick's not playing and they're all sitting around talking, Pete will lace their fingers together and stroke Patrick's fingers
Sheila: and it weirds Patrick out a little, because Pete's not making fun of him
Sheila: and Pete's hands are always cold

*****

Pearl: I just had a very important thought! Which is, Patrick cannot actually AFFORD vicky-t's brothel. Which, okay, Pete does not actually REALIZE, because the whores kind of live on a level where they're very familiar with the lowest money things and also the highest money things, but not so much the in-between. but patrick totally lives on that in between, and super classy whores are not exactly a luxury that fits in his life, you know? it's not like he expected to keep coming back, it was just supposed to be a one-time thing, or maybe special occasion.

So obviously the only way patrick is affording this is out of his savings that he's carefully been putting aside over the years, a little at a time. the savings that's supposed to be for his MUSIC pipe dream.

So when Pete realizes what is going on, it's wrong that Patrick is spending money on him, instead of the other stuff! Pete feels guilty! So he decides he just won't take Patrick's money anymore, and refuses to see Patrick at all. And then Patrick is sad.

Sheila: And Patrick is all, "Pete--*Pete*. I'm sorry for whatever I did to offend you." And he really means it! And Pete is totally like, "OH MY GOD, WHAT DO I DO?" to everyone, because he really likes Patrick and he talks about him all the time and Vicky is like, "Um, um, oh, damn. THIS IS WHY HOOKERS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FALL IN LOVE!" and Pete's like, "I tried not to! But he's so...Patrick." And Vicky can only nod because really, he's *Patrick*.

And then sometimes they see him on the street and he always looks like he's going to say something, but then Pete turns away and Patrick's face just falls and he goes back to whatever he was doing until one day Brendon goes up to him and is like, "hey, Patrick, hey, we miss you." And Patrick is just kind of, "I. I. Hello, Brendon." And he doesn't make a move to shake Brendon's hand or anything like normal and it's because Patrick doesn't know what's going on! And he doesn't want to offend anyone else! And Brendon makes sad eyes at him and is all, "Don't you like us anymore, Patrick?" and then Spencer comes up and is like, "Sorry he's bothering you," and he drags Brendon away. And then when they're back at Madame Victoria's, Brendon's like, "Why did you do that, Spencer? Did you see his face? He's all SAD."

Pearl: eventually joe has to come back to the brothel. and everyone is like "JOE! IT'S YOU!" and all flail around him and make jokes about how fast he started needed something outside the marriage bed, nudge nudge, and joe is just like "hi, guys, yeah, hi, i just -- PETE. We need to TALK." and drags him along to a room.

and pete just acts all cool and pretends he doesn't know what's going on and is like "so, the usual? we got some pretty new scented oils in--" and joe is like "seriously, if vicky didn't have just strict rules about this sort of thing, i would punch you in the FACE." and pete is just like "look, joe" and joe is like "why are you fucking with him? he's miserable." and pete tries to say something about how this is just a job, okay, you can't get too attached, and joe calls bullshit because he *knows* pete, and pete finally just sighs and puts his face in his hands and says he doesn't know.

Comments

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha, YES.

Pete is stupid and he hates his stupid face!

Patrick I love youuuuuuuuuu. And omigod, Pete would be SO insane. He'd yell at the other dude. And refuse to talk to him for a week. And then try and get details, but they'll be all like "Sorry, client/whore privilege!" and he's like "THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL THING, JUST TELL ME OKAY FUCK DISCRETION." And maybe even almost gets into a catfight except the others are smart enough to get him away before he can start, and Vicky makes Pete come to her room for a private meeting and is like "...Seriously, dude. What the hell? You can pine away stoically all you want, but. This is affecting your WORK now."

[mimesere.livejournal.com]

And so Pete is like, "Well, I'll...make Patrick jealous!" So he totally drapes himself over Ryan and over Mikey when he visits and everything and gives Patrick sultry looks and Patrick just ignores him because come on, he's not *that* easy to rile (except he is and it takes Andy being all, "Patrick, he's trying to make you nuts" and taking him for piano time where he plays all the music he wrote while he was staying away and Vicky goes, "Hm," and thinks about who she knows who could be his patron and Patrick always stops playing when Pete comes in and Vicky and Andy pretend not to notice when Pete and Patrick do the looking at the object of their affections and then looking away really quickly thing at each other.

Vicky decides the whole thing is ridiculous and starts putting together A Plan to get those two crazy kids together. Dun dun DUN.

[annaalamode.livejournal.com]

I bow before your genius!

(Also, have I mentioned my affection for hooker!fic?)