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schmericaFor today's offering, I have ... crack. Really, I don't even know anymore. Whatever, I bet you were totally craving sarcastic Pete/Mikey/Alicia where Pete's turned into a girl and you just didn't know it yet. When you think about it, you're lucky I'm around.
*****
Three days after Pete wakes up a girl, he shows up on Mikey and Alicia's doorstep.
Mikey opens the door and blinks at him.
"Mikeyway," Pete says, in his most dramatic and important voice, "I'm here to have sex with your wife."
Because Mikey has known Pete for a very long time, he is completely unfazed by this. Because Mikey is one of the select group of people who are really ridiculously fond of Pete, he does not shut the door in Pete's face.
What Mikey does do is scratch the back of his head (mussing up his already somewhat ridiculous hair even more) and say, "Um. Why don't you come in? You want a soda or something?"
Pete accepts Mikey's offer of a Coke Zero and settles into place on Mikey's couch. The cat who is occupying the next cushion glares at him. Pete engages in a staring contest, but he loses when Mikey comes back into the room.
Mikey hands him the soda and sits down in the armchair on the other side of the coffee table.
Pete takes a drink of the soda.
Mikey folds his hands in his lap.
They look at each other.
"So," Mikey says. "You're here to have sex with my wife."
"Yep!" Pete says.
"Huh," Mikey says. "Why?"
Pete sighs deeply. He stands up to strip off the Clan hoodie he's wearing, several sizes too big now. Since Pete is wearing nothing underneath except a thin white t-shirt without a bra, this saves him the trouble of having to explain his physical transformation to Mikey.
"Holy shit," Mikey says, looking shocked. Shock, on Mikey, is identifiable by a very slight widening of the eyes and a short nervous giggle.
"Yeah," Pete says. "So I figure if I'm going through this freakish impossible gender dilemma, I might as well take advantage of the only chance I'm ever gonna have to have lesbian sex."
"That makes sense," Mikey says. Mikey is completely sincere. "But don't you have a girlfriend?"
"Yes," Pete says. "I do have a girlfriend. A girlfriend who likes my dick."
Mikey nods thoughtfully.
"Apparently if I don't have a dick, it doesn't count as cheating, either."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Yeah," Pete says, "but I'm not telling her that."
Mikey nods once more. "Well," he says, "I don't have a problem with it. I mean, as long as I can watch."
"Oh, dude, of course!" Pete says, surprised. "It wouldn't be the same without you."
"Well, then, yeah, okay. But I don't know what Alicia is going to say. She's actually out with one of her friends right now." Mikey frowns. "She's not going to be home until tomorrow morning, actually."
"Oh, man, really? Bummer." Pete had thought his plan foolproof. It was always the details that tripped him up.
"You can still stay over, if you want," Mikey offers. "There won't be any lesbian sex, though."
Pete makes up his mind immediately. "Well... I guess this is also the only chance I'll ever get to have het sex with a dude."
Actually, Pete had offered this suggestion to Patrick first, almost immediately after his giant freak-out over his missing genitalia had expanded to let him consider the possibilities. Patrick had refused, despite Pete's undeniable argument that since Pete was a girl, they had
overcome the one obstacle keeping them from their soulmate destiny -- ie, Patrick's straightness. Patrick's only response had been to tell Pete to really, please, put on a shirt already.
"That's true!" Mikey says. "And, you know, I've eaten a lot more pussy than she has. Not that she's not great at it, but. Still."
"Awesome," Pete says, and he practically leaps across the table to settle himself on Mikey's lap.
"Wait, wait," Mikey says, "I still have a dick, dude. I need to call her and make sure it's okay."
"Give me your phone," Pete demands.
Alicia is first on speed dial. She answers on the second ring. "What's up, honey?"
"Alicia," Pete says dramatically, "I am here to have sex with your husband."
"Yeah, okay, Pete, you have fun with that. Tell Mikey I love him."
"Alicia says she loves you," Pete says. Mikey smiles.
"Just make sure you tape it for me, okay?" Alicia says, and then hangs up.
Pete closes Mikey's phone and sets it on the coffee table. "She says okay. Can we fuck now?"
"Yeah, okay," Mikey says, sticking both his hands up Pete's shirt to grope his breasts.
Pete sighs happily. "This was an awesome idea," he says before he kisses Mikey and shuts up altogether.
*****
Three days after Pete wakes up a girl, he shows up on Mikey and Alicia's doorstep.
Mikey opens the door and blinks at him.
"Mikeyway," Pete says, in his most dramatic and important voice, "I'm here to have sex with your wife."
Because Mikey has known Pete for a very long time, he is completely unfazed by this. Because Mikey is one of the select group of people who are really ridiculously fond of Pete, he does not shut the door in Pete's face.
What Mikey does do is scratch the back of his head (mussing up his already somewhat ridiculous hair even more) and say, "Um. Why don't you come in? You want a soda or something?"
Pete accepts Mikey's offer of a Coke Zero and settles into place on Mikey's couch. The cat who is occupying the next cushion glares at him. Pete engages in a staring contest, but he loses when Mikey comes back into the room.
Mikey hands him the soda and sits down in the armchair on the other side of the coffee table.
Pete takes a drink of the soda.
Mikey folds his hands in his lap.
They look at each other.
"So," Mikey says. "You're here to have sex with my wife."
"Yep!" Pete says.
"Huh," Mikey says. "Why?"
Pete sighs deeply. He stands up to strip off the Clan hoodie he's wearing, several sizes too big now. Since Pete is wearing nothing underneath except a thin white t-shirt without a bra, this saves him the trouble of having to explain his physical transformation to Mikey.
"Holy shit," Mikey says, looking shocked. Shock, on Mikey, is identifiable by a very slight widening of the eyes and a short nervous giggle.
"Yeah," Pete says. "So I figure if I'm going through this freakish impossible gender dilemma, I might as well take advantage of the only chance I'm ever gonna have to have lesbian sex."
"That makes sense," Mikey says. Mikey is completely sincere. "But don't you have a girlfriend?"
"Yes," Pete says. "I do have a girlfriend. A girlfriend who likes my dick."
Mikey nods thoughtfully.
"Apparently if I don't have a dick, it doesn't count as cheating, either."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Yeah," Pete says, "but I'm not telling her that."
Mikey nods once more. "Well," he says, "I don't have a problem with it. I mean, as long as I can watch."
"Oh, dude, of course!" Pete says, surprised. "It wouldn't be the same without you."
"Well, then, yeah, okay. But I don't know what Alicia is going to say. She's actually out with one of her friends right now." Mikey frowns. "She's not going to be home until tomorrow morning, actually."
"Oh, man, really? Bummer." Pete had thought his plan foolproof. It was always the details that tripped him up.
"You can still stay over, if you want," Mikey offers. "There won't be any lesbian sex, though."
Pete makes up his mind immediately. "Well... I guess this is also the only chance I'll ever get to have het sex with a dude."
Actually, Pete had offered this suggestion to Patrick first, almost immediately after his giant freak-out over his missing genitalia had expanded to let him consider the possibilities. Patrick had refused, despite Pete's undeniable argument that since Pete was a girl, they had
overcome the one obstacle keeping them from their soulmate destiny -- ie, Patrick's straightness. Patrick's only response had been to tell Pete to really, please, put on a shirt already.
"That's true!" Mikey says. "And, you know, I've eaten a lot more pussy than she has. Not that she's not great at it, but. Still."
"Awesome," Pete says, and he practically leaps across the table to settle himself on Mikey's lap.
"Wait, wait," Mikey says, "I still have a dick, dude. I need to call her and make sure it's okay."
"Give me your phone," Pete demands.
Alicia is first on speed dial. She answers on the second ring. "What's up, honey?"
"Alicia," Pete says dramatically, "I am here to have sex with your husband."
"Yeah, okay, Pete, you have fun with that. Tell Mikey I love him."
"Alicia says she loves you," Pete says. Mikey smiles.
"Just make sure you tape it for me, okay?" Alicia says, and then hangs up.
Pete closes Mikey's phone and sets it on the coffee table. "She says okay. Can we fuck now?"
"Yeah, okay," Mikey says, sticking both his hands up Pete's shirt to grope his breasts.
Pete sighs happily. "This was an awesome idea," he says before he kisses Mikey and shuts up altogether.
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