completely gratuitous baby chatfic from me and lordessrenegade

[schmerica]

Bob And Pete As Daddies

Pearl: *imagines pete/bob babyfic*
Pearl: TO BE COMPLETELY RANDOM.
Jai: I APPROVE OF YOUR RANDOMNESS
Jai: AND OF PETE'S BABIES.
Pearl: they would both be good daddies! in an way that wuold be kind of hilarious in combination.
Jai: they would! actually, i think they'd balance out each other's baby-crazies really well!

Bob Makes Lists; Pete Makes Clothes

Pearl: I want it to be a supernaturally calm baby with really big eyes.
Jai: heeee, can you imagine how many lists bob would have?
Jai: he'd have them taped up on everything, because when they're not fastened down, pete tends to lose them.
Jai: (this applies to the baby as well, so bob generally straps it to one of them to keep this from happening.)
Jai: like...pete's never actually left the baby anywhere...but he's come pretty close a few times.
Pearl: they have eight million snuglis.
Jai: they do. *nods* one to match each of pete's hoodiies.
Pearl: WITH BARTSKULLS
Jai: clan makes a whole line of them.
Jai: also 12 bazillion onesies. there's a whole baby division of clandestine now.

The Baby of Zen

Pearl: i think the thing about pete leaving the baby places is because the baby is so quiet.
Pearl: it just sits there happily playing with its toes while pete runs around like a maniac.
Jai: (but the thing is, having such a calm little baby has calmed pete down a lot too. bob will come in sometimes and find pete sitting there with the baby in his lap, both of them just staring at each other.)


Pearl: so, yes. quiet calm baby who entertains himself. everybody is like "how the fuck is that yours" to pete. Pete just smiles.


Pearl: (that reminds me. the other reason people can't believe the baby is really pete's? he doesn't like being naked.)
Jai: he's like patrick!
Jai: <3<3<3<3
Pearl: except with less hats, i think.
Jai: heee, yes. although patrick totally buys him lots of hats.
Pearl: but with the "*makes face* SHIRT PLEASE."

Lullabies

Jai: pete calls patrick sometimes and holds the phone up to the baby's ear and makes patrick sing him to sleep.
Jai: pete doesn't know, but bob does the same thing with gerard when he can't get the baby to sleep.
Pearl: pete sings to the baby sometimes. it's hilarious. bob is surprised that the baby doesn't get scared by the screaming, but he actually seems to think it's funny.
Jai: bob doesn't sing. ever.
Jai: he hums, though.
Pearl: quietly. against the baby's hair when he's fussing.
Jai: *nods* and it usually makes the baby stop almost immediately.

Family Cuddle Time

Jai: bob has the best arms for baby-snuggling. (and for pete-snuggling. pete will totally walk in and find bob cuddling the baby, and he'll climb onto bob's lap and take the baby from him so they can all squish together.)
Pearl: you know that picture of Pete shirtless with his eyes closed, with hemmy resting on his chest?
Pearl: which i thought i had in my folder, but apparently don't
Jai: yeah i know which one you mean.
Pearl: Pete and the baby take naps like that a lot.

Hemmy Is An Awesome Brother

Jai: oh man, the baby loves hemmy.
Jai: and hemmy loves him!
Pearl: at first hemmy was a little confused, but he comes around. in a lazy sort of incredibly fond way.
Pearl: he lets the baby push him around in the cruel way babies do lovingly.
Pearl: Pete sat down Hemmy the day they brought the baby home.
Pearl: Holding the baby in one arm and sitting on the couch next to Hemmy. "This is your new brother." And picks up the baby's fist and makes him wave.
Jai: of course he did.
Jai: he had this whole conversation with hemmy about it.
Pearl: Hemmy sniffed the baby and then looked at Pete.
Pearl: Pete kept talking.
Pearl: Hemmy looked bored.
Pearl: Pete kept talking.
Pearl: Hemmy fell asleep, and the baby started to whimper, so Pete had to go find Bob so he would feed it
Jai: bob came in and was all pete, i'm pretty sure the dog's asleep. also? he's a dog.

Baby-sitting

Pearl: Pete is probably weirdly protective of the baby in unexpected ways. Like, he's really really weird about who he will let watch the baby.
Jai: awww, yes. patrick is good, and andy is ok. joe is never allowed around the baby unless pete or bob is around.
Jai: mikeyway can visit, but can never babysit. because he's mikeyway.
Pearl: Nobody in Bob's band except Toro.
Pearl: And Frank is offended, like, "Coming from PETE WENTZ that's a little insulting!"
Pearl: and pete is lke "....BABY. MINE. *wentzface*"
Jai: eeeeee peeete. *squishes him*
Jai: baby: *also wentzfaces*
Jai: pete: *BEAM*
Jai: bob: *headpalms*

The Public Eye

Pearl: pete has shirts made of his baby's face, y/n?
Jai: ahahahahha Y.
Pearl: i think bob might stop him from posting them to his journal though.
Jai: and bob is all DUDE. WHAT??
Pearl: or, you know, weairng it to super public events.
Jai: so pete wears them around the house, and they get gradually more ruined and faded as he washes them a bazillion times.
Jai: until eventually bob is like "dude, you can't even tell that's our baby anymore" and pete beams and wears it to the next event they go to.
Pearl: \o/


Pearl: all pete ever talks about in interviews anymore is how being a father has changed his life, and you have this whole different perspective, and attitude, and you realize what's really important, and it sounds like a whole bunch of cliched crap, but it's really true, and you just don't know until you have kids.
Pearl: bob always snorts at him in private and is like "children are our future!" and pete is like "fuck you, they are!"
Jai: ahahahahaha bob mocks everything pete says about the baby in interviews.
Jai: because, of course, bob doesn't actually talk in interviews.
Pearl: even when he does, he only talks about the music and/or band. personal life is off-limits.
Pearl: like, if they ask (and they do, because he has a baby with pete wentz) he's just like "I don't want to talk about that" and shuts down. And all the other My Chem guys glare at the interviewer.
Jai: *nods* and of course, he gets 12 million questions about pete, but he just does the little bob-in-an-interview-headduck and doesn't answer.
Jai: heeee, the combined glaring force of my chem is a scary thign!
Pearl: *giggles* Well, they tell the interviewers before hand that that's not a topic that the band wants to discuss, so if they ignore that, Frank and Gee are going to think you're an asshat, it's true.
Jai: heee, this is true.
Jai: and you really don't want frank and gee thinking you're an asshat. or bob, for that matter.
Pearl: So true!
Jai: or pete. because then pretty much all of the big bands in the world will think you're an asshat, because i mean...by that point, pete and patrick pretty much own the music business.

Multi-tasking

Pearl: pete and bob have a running bet about what the baby's first word is. if it's a curse word of any kind, bob is going to beat pete up.
Jai: ahahahhaa awesome.
Jai: (although if it is, it's more than likely gerard and frank's fault.)
Jai: pete actually doesn't swear around the baby that much. (he knows bob will kick his ass, is the thing.)
Pearl: well, he doesn't swear too much! it's just that he is holding the baby most of the time when he does his business calls.
Jai: fair enough.
Jai: oh man. pete wentz, baby in one arm, sidekick in the other hand, making business calls. <3<3<3<3<3

Photographic Memories

Pearl: So, lots of pictures of Baby Wentz-Bryar, lots of pictures of Pete + Baby, lots of pictures of Hemmy + Baby, a decent amount of pictures of everyone in their bands + Baby, and, like, a dozen of Bob and the baby.
Jai: but actually, when bob's holding the baby is pretty much the only time you can take a picture of him without getting your ass kicked, and that's only if he doesn't have pete convenient to hand the baby off to!
Pearl: pete takes a lot of the pictures by, like, jumping into the room, taking the picture really quick and running away. so they're kind of crappy! but adorable.
Jai: sneaky pete!
Pearl: *nods* He's stealthy!

Developmental Milestones

Pearl: I think the baby takes a really long time to learn how to walk, just because of how overprotective Bob and Pete are. They're afraid if they let him walk, he'll hurt himself somehow! It's what happens to them! So they just carry him everywhere.
Pearl: It also take a while to talk, but that just seems to be his personality. It doesn't keep him from being a SUPER GENIUS, though.
Jai: yes, i feel like he'd not talk for like ever, and then when he started talking, he'd go into making little sentences really fast.
Pearl: Like nothing nothing nothing SUDDENLY WAY AHEAD OF EVERYBODY ELSE.
Pearl: he's just been, you know, soaking it up for a while first.
Jai: yeah. he listens a lot. which, i mean, with a dad like pete who talks a lot, it makes sense.

Final Word

Jai: heeee, yeah. i think my brain has mushed into a bunch of shiny little hearts.
Pearl: pretty much! also, bob watching a lot of sesame street.
Jai: awwww!
Pearl: Also, helping him figure out how to put the right plastic shapes in the right plastic holes.
Jai: aww yes! he wouldn't be the kind of dad who'd give hints...he'd just keep handing them over like IS IT THIS ONE? OR THIS ONE? OR THIS ONE? like he was just as mystified as the kid. who would take each one and stare at it with his big eyes before poking it at the holes until he found the one that worked and then he'd beam hugely and giggle and flail his arms around, and bob would smile and smile and smile.

THE END (UNTIL WE THINK OF MORE DISGUSTING ADORABLENESS)

Comments

[etben.livejournal.com]

SESAME STREET.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO TRYING TO DO TO MY HORMONES HERE?

SERIOUSLY SESAME STREET I MEAN WHAT.