i am running out of subject lines

[schmerica]

So one of the things going through my mind as the same time as all these genderfuck thoughts. I have the vague suspicion that the meta I read at the very beginning of my time at fandom is still affecting me in some ways, three years later. In this case, I'm almost sure, but not positive, that thete1's Porn Manifesto is what's driving my thoughts here. (If not, it was some other serious and thoughtful essay about porn and fanfiction that I read in early 2002, and i don't know who else that would be, if not Te.)

So one of the things that's always been in the back of my mind, then, when writing porn, has been the consideration that, hey: writing your own kinks can be really dangerous, dude. Fanfiction is about the characters, not about you, and that counts doubly so for porn; it's really easy to lose your characters if you're just doing it for what *you* like. Plus, the ickiness of being a reader and being able to play the "Okay, the author is getting off here, here, and *here*" game is ... not fun.

And, of course, conversely, you can get really good stuff out of trying to write specifically for someone else's kinks. There's porn I've written for brooklinegirl or estrella30 that is nowhere near my own buttons, but it's some of the best stuff I've written.

Anyway. When I say that if I tried to write "Ray turns into a girl" as a real story and not just these random thoughts and scenes, I think it might just turn out a mess. I'm not interested in the whole thing as a story enough to do it justice; I'm just interested in certain parts that make me flail and squeal. It doesn't particularly matter if these random snippets I'm posting are completely gratuitous, I don't think; that's kind of what random lj posts are for.

[Edited to add: actually, it strikes me that my thoughts on this really aren't porn specific -- I kind of have a vague fear of self-indulgence in general; porn is just one really easy example, in this case. But another would be, say, the kidfic. I'd written part of that story for my own satisfaction, and then abandoned it partly through because it felt completely self-indulgent to me. I would have never finished and posted that story if other people hadn't basically made me encouraged me very strongly. ]

That said, *cough*. I think Dief would totally adore Ray once he's turned into a woman. Dief is pretty much a sucker for ladies in general, it seems like. So Ray'd think that was a little weird, but it'd be kind of flattering, too. Cause it wasn't like Dief had hated him before or anything, they'd always had a kind of understanding, they liked each other, they were cool. But now it was like they were buddies, and Dief suddenly wanted to follow him around and sit by his feet and stare at him adoringly, not even like he wanted food or anything. He just liked him. Ray had a dog once, when he was in college, and okay, Dief wasn't a dog, and Dief was twenty times smarter than Spike had ever been, and twice as big, but it was still nice, it was still familiar, because Dief might be all mature and restrained and "I'm Not a Pet, I Am a Chosen Companion" with Fraser, but he lay next to Ray on the bed and let Ray scratch his ears and rub his belly and listen to Ray while he bitched about everything without interrupting and being logical and fair like Fraser always tried to.

It was nice. Kind of comforting.

P.S., it is possible I am using this icon solely to punish estrella30. HA. Also, Spes was telling me how she was talking to her friend about Twitch City, and the subject of CKR/Don McKellar RPS came up. Does anyone have links?

Comments

[estrella30.livejournal.com]

P.S., it is possible I am using this icon solely to punish estrella30. HA

omg. mean, mean girl.

*weeps*

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Heee. You should not underestimate me!

[siobhan-w.livejournal.com]

If not, it was some other serious and thoughtful essay about porn and fanfiction that I read in early 2002, and i don't know who else that would be, if not Te.

I think it was Te because I remember reading a similar essay on her website a couple of years ago and it has stayed with me. I do my best to remember it whenever I write, especailly porn, because the story shouldn't be about me - it should be about the characters.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

*nod* It's totally good advice; I'm surprised it sticks with us.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Not surprised, natch.

[sprat.livejournal.com]

On second thought, how about I just post the link?

http://tomorrow-never-knows.net/kff/rps.html

Okay then. :)

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Thank you for link!

Why isn't there more of the pairing? I would totally read it. (Of course, that's mostly because a) Paul Gross, though very very pretty, does nothing for me out of character, and b) I think Hugh Dillon is icky. But whatever.)

[ekaterinn.livejournal.com]

Re: the porn thoughts and not especially writing your own kinks. I'm not sure that I totally agree. I think my best sex scenes are ones where I am/would be turned on by what's happening. It makes it easier if I have an "in" with the character - though that "in" has to make sense within the context of the story.

My favourite sex scene that I've written involves RayK having an ear piercing and Fraser playing around with it at the beginning, since piercings are a huge kink of mine. I think writing that kink helped make the rest of the sex flow better - it seemed that I was able to write more realistically because I was writing a kink I liked versus maybe a kink that a character might like (i.e. Fraser might be really into rimming, since he licks everything else! But I'm not and writing rimming isn't going to be much fun for me)

However, in the story I wrote, it made sense for Ray to have an earring, it wasn't just gratious, OOC hotness.

Am I making any sense here?

[ekaterinn.livejournal.com]

And, um, I'm sorry for kinda babbling and spamming you like that.
^^;;

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Well, self-indulgent or not, I'm really enjoying these random posts, especially since I can't really write with any satisfactory degree of skill and am very happy when my self-indulgent thoughts appear out of other people's brains. So thank you, again.

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

It's canon that Dief is attracted to blonde women, so, yeah.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Yep, the blonde thing is explicitly stated -- although even without that, Dief just seems to like girls. Like him with Frannie in a couple of the episodes in s3 and 4.

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

He's such a slutty pooch.
Er, wolf.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

Plus, the ickiness of being a reader and being able to play the "Okay, the author is getting off here, here, and *here*" game is ... not fun.

I, uh, sort of like that game. Is that so wrong?

However, your main point - that it's not a great idea to write a kink because YOU like it, rather than because it's in character - is definitely valid. :-)

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Well, I guess it kind of depends how much you like the author, and how much you really prefer the characters.

[wemblee.livejournal.com]

I'm here via metafandom and responding to these two bits together: Plus, the ickiness of being a reader and being able to play the "Okay, the author is getting off here, here, and *here*" game is ... not fun. and I'd written part of that story for my own satisfaction, and then abandoned it partly through because it felt completely self-indulgent to me..

I'm partially playing Devil's Advocate here because I find it freeing, but: If we can't be self-indulgent in fanfiction, where can we be self-indulgent? And... why not have the readers play the Get-Off Game? I mean, it was partially our own choices that led them to the game, but partially their choice to play it, right? (I'm not sure if I entirely believe that last part, actually, but... Devil's Advocate!) It's squicky, sure, it's embarrassing, hell yeah, but... why is it squicky? Why is it embarrassing? I mean, like you said, we write for each other's kinks all the time -- we know how to get each other off and it becomes public knowledge. I think there's something of a discomfort in fandom when people lay their deepest desires out, and then that discomfort's amplified if they're laid out badly, or without some kind of buffer: BNFdom, a humorous introduction peppered with the word "crack" that takes the sting of vulnerability off... anything to put in a little distance. Because fandom is so much about our deepest, most intensely felt desires anyway.

And wow, I (buffer! buffer!) may be entirely talking out of my own ass here, but then again, maybe not. I admit that I do have an investment in taking the opposite view, in painting self-indulgence as a good thing, because if it weren't for wallowing around in my kinks at maximum squee, I'm not sure I'd write at all, save to work through issues (which is another kind of indulgence). And I love writing. And after being in fandom for years, it's hard to figure out where kinks end and "legitimate, serious interest" (whatever the hell that means) begin. I mean, genderswitch is my kink. But so is lefty politics. So are certain character types. So is a happy ending. If I've gotten anything out of fandom, it's that, depending on your definitions, everything's kink.

In any case, this is a really thought-provoking entry; thank you for writing it.