it was actually really convincing, is the thing

[schmerica]

Last night I had a dream that I was watching some trashy VH1 show about celebrities, and they started talking about Bert McCracken on Surivivor. Apparently he was on twice! And won! And set some kind of record for winning like competitions or something? It was all very what the fuck and I was seriously peeved at fox1013 for somehow not thinking to tell me this extremely important information. Because, really, what's the point of having a brilliant best friend who's obsessed with reality TV if she doesn't tell you when your stinky crazy bandom obsessions are secretly Survivor champions?

In the voiceover on the TV show, they referred to Bert as "the former gymnast from Utah." In retrospect, I am impressed with this attention to detail on the part of my subconscious.

Comments

[drunktuesdays.livejournal.com]

ahahahahahahah I WANT THAT FIC.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

BERT MCCRACKEN HAS SECRET LAYERS, LEA. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

Aw, honey.

You make me proud.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

The thing is, I've never seen Survivor. I don't even know how challenges and things work! So all of his winning comps achievements bore a suspicious resemblance to Big Brother.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

You make me even prouder.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

I thought I might! *beams*

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

I feel like I have done a wonderful thing.

[soundslikej.livejournal.com]

OMG, I had a dream that Bert McCracken was on Dancing with the Stars. *boggles* /o\

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahah, seriously? What the hell, Jai? OUR MINDS.

[soundslikej.livejournal.com]

I don't even know! My mom was watching it, and my stepdad was explaining very earnestly who this guy was! ....except I know nothing about the Used, so it was like ".....he is small! he rarely showers! he dated Gerard Way!"

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

I don't know why "awwwwwwwwwww" is my automatic reaction there!

[wordsalone.livejournal.com]

I....would actually watch that.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

I would only watch the really good youtube clips my friends list would spam me with.

[missmollyetc.livejournal.com]

...I would totally Survivor if the Used were on it. OMG. QUINN WOULD ALWAYS BE NAKED! BRANDEN WOULD KILL EVERYONE AND THEN ASK TO BE TAKEN OFF THE ISLAND.

[missmollyetc.livejournal.com]

watch. I would totally watch Survivor if the Used were on it.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

How different from normal do you think Survivor!Used would be?

[missmollyetc.livejournal.com]

I don't really watch TV anymore (oh the joys of a dorm apartment with faulty cable!) but dude. Seriously. CAN YOU IMAGINE?

See, if the Used were on, there isn't enough of them to fufil the usual amount of people, but oh dude, DUDE. Can you imagine the HILARITY of Bert winding up in a different tribe than Quinn? They'd form a secret alliance which wouldn't be secret at all because Bert would always be randomly groping Quinn, or, like, hanging up a tree naked throwing coconuts at Jepha!

Boysex would be EVERYWHERE! Kissing and hugging and groping and then their tribes would forcibly seperate Bert and Quinn and Bert would latch on to Jepha instead while Quinn sought the comfort of Dan's bizarre monkey arms. And then they'd keep switching! Eventually, there would just be panning shots of the other people like, cooking seaweed or walking down to the beach and you'd just see various combinations of the Used peeing on each other because someone 'got stung with a jellyfish Bert found' or kissing or yelling like tarzan. At some point, they would attempt to give a dramatic reenactment of Lord of the Flies, but since none of them honestly remember anything about that book except that "kids are fucking evil, man, but Piggy was cool" they'd all just start wearing mud on their faces and taking off their clothes.

Everybody else would be complaining about the heat and the mosquitos and the lack of showers/bathrooms/decent food and then the cameras would get around to Bert and he'd be all, "what? Which finicky bastard here needs to take a shower? IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS, FUCKTARDS." And then Branden would wrestle him to the ground and force him into the ocean so that Bert's stench would stop bringing all the mosquitos to the yard.

Quinn and Jepha would make a still! Only Versions One, Three, and Five would explode (Versions Two and Four were actually kicked to death by Branden. Bert then forced them to hold a small ceremony. Dan wept.) The sixth one would be a 'water distiller' and also made after Branden gets fed up and asks to go home. He wants a shower and his wife and possibly a full detox exam as soon as he gets on the mainland.

The Used would eventually be forced to form their own tribe downwind from everyone else, which would suit them fine since all they really want to do is sun themselves and drink out of coconuts and public sex. The last bit is, actually, a ploy to disgust the other tribe so much that they lose their concentration, but whatever. Bert is COMPLETELY WILLING to take Quinn for the team. Seriously.

Strangely enough, though, Bert's pretty handy with the rope climbing and being generally small, quick, tenacious, and just creepy enough that no one wants to touch him if there's a wrestling competition. Jepha's a good cook, and Quinn's bitchy and vindictive enough that he starts scaring the other tribe into giving him things so that he'll go away. Dan, of course, is the one who makes sure none of the others are voted off. Beware The Puppy Eyes!

Seriously. If they cared enough, the Used would rock Survivor so hard. At the very least, it'd be the gayest hour of prime time television ever.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

That's kind of beautiful.

[missmollyetc.livejournal.com]

The Used: Surprisingly Precious Since 2001!

[wasoncedelight.livejournal.com]

Dude, I am a little in love with this.

[missmollyetc.livejournal.com]

::twirls:: Yaaay! Aren't they adorable?!

[wasoncedelight.livejournal.com]

So very! WHO KNEW?

THREAD JUMPING!

[berserkide.livejournal.com]

I. I sort of want to marry you. Or your brain, you know. Whichever.

\o/

Re: THREAD JUMPING!

[missmollyetc.livejournal.com]

\o/ ::BEAMS:: Dude, you know it's true! IMAGINE THE WRESTLING. Bert would always insist that it was Greco-Roman, and the host would try to tell him it wasn't and then Bert would pretend to agree and then strip anyway while Jeff Probst wept bitter tears.

And somewhere, though he didn't know why, Brian Schecter felt a sudden and intense rush of vindication.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

I imagine at least one of them would think a stick was an immunity idol.

Thus making it not different at ALL.

[missmollyetc.livejournal.com]

::claps hands:: Yes! This would totally happen! And then one of them would run around yelling, "Touch my stick! Touch it!"


Also, ahahaha, oh Sisky's Brother.

[just-katarin.livejournal.com]

QUINN WOULD FORGO PANTS ONCE AND FOR ALL! YAYS!

And yeah, Jeph and Dan would be hanging out, trying to make like, tea or something out of leaves and Branden would be trying to kill Bert and Quinn and like, constantly monologue at the camera about how he wanted OFF OF THAT FUCKING ISLAND. And Bert and Quinn would start a forest fire, somehow.

[missmollyetc.livejournal.com]

THE PANTS WOULD BE GONE! \o/

Jepha would open up an island tea 'bar' and hold tastings. Bert would go only because Dan told him some times the 'tea leaves' are hallucenigenic.

[happy-coconut.livejournal.com]

1. AND YOU SAY MY DREAMS ARE WEIRD.
2. Wow, I'm really impressed you remember that much! You never recall dreams!

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

It is still less weird than your dreams! Your dreams all have plots and stuff, like elaborate movies made by drugged-out Germans.

I think I remembered this one because it was one of those dreams where you wake up really slowly, so for the first couple minutes you're not sure what was dream or real life. It took me a little bit to get to the "No, self, that's ridiculous" point.

[violin-road.livejournal.com]

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WHY DIDN'T I HAVE THAT DREAM <333333333333333333333333333333333

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Sorry, beckah! You totally deserved it more than me.

[violin-road.livejournal.com]

BUT IT IS DELIGHTFUL; I AM JUST GLAD SOMEONE AT ALL HAD IT <3333333