buccaneers in my spam!

[schmerica]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: there should so be more happy masturbation stories in fanfiction. Jerking off does not need to equal depressing lonely emptiness. Orgasms make people feel good!

In other news, I am strangely charmed by the latest batch of spam I've been getting the past few weeks. This is mainly because all of it seems to now take the form of randomly pasted-together badfic about pirates.

PIRATE BADFIC NONSENSE FIC. What is the bad there?

Hello,
less. What, then, was she? What are those who have no charity? hebuccaneer fleet,
whilst still heading for Palomas, was observed toparticularly as whilst they
discussed and fumed and cursed two moreI am not given the chance, said Blood, who
never could learn toYou're dreaming, Peter, said the prisoner. We're not going
thisthought of becoming the property of this gross animal, and in someof Captain
Blood with a calm confidence based upon its overwhelmingBlood were both guilty of
treason, the first for having harbouredwith frosty dignity. I want to know what you
desire me toThe report of them reached Tortuga, and with it the assurance thatThey
sped down an alley and then up another, by great good fortunematter that at once
extinguished that twinkle. But since DiegoThe commission must be cancelled.Ah, bah!
Ye're surely joking!Out of range, at last, they lay to, joined by the Elizabeth and
theother surgeons - died of their wounds, served to increase the

or:

Hello,
And in a few words he sketched the imagined conditions of hisWill you tell me, then,
why you behave like a damned pirate? hesweethearts and mothers, sustained by the
delusion that they wereHis lordship intervened.You will be merciful with him. You
will spare him all you can forbare twenty thousand pieces.own words always - if in
choosing between us two, your choice, asventured once to offer a remonstrance -
whether they went to Petitis instantly set at liberty, or we must take measures to
set him atuncle. In vexation she realized that explanations must be
postponed.motive Blood, himself, had refused to render any account of hisimagines.
There's a thorn or two left on me. And with a laughprovocation, whether that
provocation is yours or another's. Ye'lllucky shot from the buccaneers had found
the powder magazine.For the remainder of that day Levasseur's thoughts were of
anythinghad a better title to the crown. Jesus God! That ever we should

Hee. Plus, I like the bizarre names it makes up for my email address. If I ever need a new pseudonym, I could do worse than "Zelda Ness" and "Vlad Frost".

Comments

[lalejandra.livejournal.com]

More happy masturbation fic? In what fandom?

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Honestly, dude? Any fandom, really. I'm just sick of noticing that 95% of all jerking off in fic is of the OH NOES I AM ALONE AND WITHOUT THE PERSON I LOVE AND THUS MY SEXUAL PLEASURE IS PATHETIC AND LONELY AND DEPRESSING, WOE!

Although I read more in due south than anything else, obviously. And you know, I bet RayK really likes masturbating.

[serialkarma.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm having a hard time seeing Fraser masturbating and being happy about it, for some reason. This is probably indicative of a lack of imagination on my part. but still.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I can kind of see Fraser in the whole "Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, Ray. It's a perfect normal, natural biological function, and besides which, it's extremely pleasurable. It also" blah blah blah.

This scene is much more amusing if you have it happening while Fraser is getting dressed after Ray walks in on him and is freaking out.

[serialkarma.livejournal.com]

This scene is much more amusing if you have it happening while Fraser is getting dressed after Ray walks in on him and is freaking out.

hee. It's amusing, yes. But I don't find it hot.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Heeee. I wasn't trying for hot! I was just going for Fraser and The Health Class Approach to Human Sexuality.

[lalejandra.livejournal.com]

Do you mean like.....


Ray likes to jerk off. He loves it. It always creeped Stella out, made her upset, like he was saying she wasn't good enough; for the last few years before they separated, he would jerk off away from her, like in the showers at the station when no one else was around, or at home while she was at the office, or after she went to bed, in the living room.

He likes to touch himself, likes to feel the hair on his thighs, likes the weight of his balls in his hands. He likes to scratch his nails over his stomach and let his legs fall apart, likes to move his finger down and circle his asshole a little -- it's dirty, it feels dirty, and it makes him shiver.

Now that he's got a whole apartment to himself, he wakes up early, sometimes, just to jerk off into the quiet of morning, to listen to himself gasp and cry out. He doesn't even need to fantasize, just to think about what he's doing to himself, to look down at himself and watch his hand jack his cock, slowly, tightening on the head, rubbing his thumb in the little notch. He doesn't even like to pretend someone else is doing it to him, because that's not as hot as him doing it to himself.





OR, do you mean LIKE.....


Ray likes to jerk off. He likes it a lot. He likes to touch himself, likes to know that his body is there. He knows it's kinda weird, but he don't care. he's always been a weird guy, a bit queer; Stella sure told him so enough.

It's even more queer now that he's got a playground in the form of a giant Mountie, because he could have Fraser's fist around his cock and Fraser's fingers in his ass -- but instead he's got Fraser sitting across the room from him, watching him stroke his cock and move his hips and that's even hotter. Stella never liked to watch, but now Ray is putting on a show, corkscrewing his fingers in his ass and sweating onto the sheets and squeezing his dick tight so he don't come too fast.

And Fraser, across the room, is watching him, only breathing a little heavy, not even pulling his dick out.

Ray closes his eyes and pictures what it would be like if Fraser didn't just sit in the chair across the room every time, if one time Fraser pulled out his cock and jerked off too. Big hands and long cock, thin, and heavy balls, and Ray can taste it, knows exactly how it feels in his mouth, knows how it would feel if Fraser's fingers massaged his own cock right in front of Ray's face, came all over his mouth--

Ray comes with a shout, spurting everywhere, and when he opens his eyes, Fraser's still sitting in the corner in the chair, hands folded primly.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Well, I probably meant more the first kind, because I was thinking of solo masturbation, but -- whatever, I claim them BOTH, because YAY.

[shrift.livejournal.com]

I echo lalejandra's "who should be having the happy masturbation?" request.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Heeeee. Well, as I said to her, I'm mostly reading dS right now, but I think this is a need that to extents to many fandoms outside my primary one!

[serialkarma.livejournal.com]

there should so be more happy masturbation stories in fanfiction. Jerking off does not need to equal depressing lonely emptiness. Orgasms make people feel good!

You know, you are SO RIGHT.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Hee. I stole that last line from "But I'm a Cheerleader."

[rossetti.livejournal.com]

The vilification (or, not quite, but close) of masturbation in fandom is quite sad, considering the audience. Masturbation is good! And makes people happy and relaxed! Good for the heart! Great endorphins! And, yet, as a whole fandom focuses on relationships and orgasms amongst two (or more) people, and, I think, can lead to kind of minor depression or at least negative reenforcement about masturbating, particularly masturbating a lot.

I mean, c'mon. Exploration of sexuality! It's much better with someone else if you know what you like!

Yeah, ok, suffice it to say I definitely agree.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

It's annoying, seriously.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

I was going to comment!porn you some happy masturbation fic, but it turns out I don't know Fraser OR Ray, and am far too sleepy to come up with another example.

So just pretend I used the words "rub", "jerk", "moan", and "smile" in varying interesting combinations, alright?

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

*loves*

[svilleficrecs.livejournal.com]

Amen. There needs to be a lot more masturbation fic in fandom. Happy masturbation fic. Happy Pride and Prejudice wank fic... *scurries off to round up some plot bunnies. :) *

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Well, I just more of everything, really, when you come down to it. I'm very demanding.