prison for jerks

Lego Man Sex Tape, aka the most traumatic thing I have seen on the internet in DAYS.

Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned From Arrested Development, by anniesj. Last new episodes tonight!

Johari Window thing that everyone is doing. I did it for some of you; come do it for me!

And, finally, The Slut-O-Meter.

Slut-o-meter evaluates the promiscuity of the subject you enter by comparing the number of Google search results with and without "safe-search" enabled. A complete slut would return unsafe results and no safe results. Alternatively, a clean name should produce the same number of safe and unsafe results.

My first four search produced these results:

Ray Kowalski = 40.65% slut.
Benton Fraser = -30.57% slut.
pearl_o's real name: 100% slut
fox1013's real name: 1.87% slut

[That one for me is because my last name is incredibly rare, and the only page in the entire internet searching for my first and last name brings up is my Amazon wishlist. This does not make it less funny!]

Someone on my friendsfriends page linked to this greeting card line, which I just spent a good amount of minutes browsing through and adoring. Coincidentally, this is the card I gave fox1013 for her birthday last year (yay), but I've never seen any of the others before.

I have to say, though, that this one and this one remind me of stumbledhere, these two of annakovsky, and this of estrella30. And of course this one is the plot of eighty million slash stories.

Other ones I adore: lies; baby; mind games; stone tablet. (Actually, this last one reminds me of Kovsky, too, but that's only because I imagine the card written in one of her crazy ancient language. Right alongside the stuff about Orlando Bloom being king of her heart.)

I've said it before and I'll say it again: there should so be more happy masturbation stories in fanfiction. Jerking off does not need to equal depressing lonely emptiness. Orgasms make people feel good!

In other news, I am strangely charmed by the latest batch of spam I've been getting the past few weeks. This is mainly because all of it seems to now take the form of randomly pasted-together badfic about pirates.

PIRATE BADFIC NONSENSE FIC. What is the bad there?

( For example )

Tonight dsudis introduced me to the wonders of Wikipedia's "random page" function. I have learned so much!

Like:

In 1990, Jacques departed Federation for a year before returning as "The Mountie", a client of manager Jimmy Hart. The Mountie was a corrupt, taser-wielding member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police who would often boast that he "Always gets his man" in the ring. "The Mountie" had two entrance theme songs - the first, a short-lived trumpet theme meant to highlight the Canadian heritage of the character, and the second, a heel marching theme sung by Jacques entitled "I'm the Mountie." The character was eventually the subject of litigation in Canada, leading to Rougeau being enjoined from performing as "the Mountie" in his home country.

And, ooh:

Nutmeg psychosis is an acute psychiatric disorder caused by the ingestion of around one to three whole nutmegs or an equal mass of ground nutmeg. Its symptoms include hallucinations, excitement, thought disorder, sense of impending death and agitation. Nutmeg is a toxic substance and a dosage of as little as 5g may cause a dry mouth, fast pulse, fever and flushing. It has amphetamine-like effects and may lead to the ingestion of large volumes of water.

And perhaps best of all:

The electrically-powered vibrator was invented in the 1880s by doctors, who had been ostensibly treating women for "hysteria" for centuries by performing what we would now recognise as masturbating those women to orgasm. At the time, however, not only did doctors regard the "vulvular stimulation" required as having nothing to do with sex, they reportedly found it time-consuming and hard work. The vibrator got the job done more quickly and without such efforts, and as such was extremely popular with doctors.

...Now I am going to drag myself away from it, though. And go back to writing. Definitely. I mean it.